Friend not Therapist - Part 2
"Am I treating my friend as my therapist?" This question can be difficult to answer. No one wants to admit they have taken advantage of their friend, but it is best to see the signs and admit it, for the sake of your friendship.
In part one, we talked about how to stop being a therapist to a friend. Some methods discussed were to set boundaries with your friend in order to fix and maintain a more equal relationship.
For part two, let's talk about the opposite, "Am I treating my friend as my therapist?" This question can be more difficult to answer. No one wants to admit they have taken advantage of their friend, but it is best to see the signs and admit it, for the sake of your friendship.
Are you treating your friend as your therapist? Ask yourself these questions, “do you…
“Mostly reach out to your friend when you’re feeling down?”
“Do the majority of the talking when you and your friend get together?”
“Talk about your problems with your friend more than you talk about anything else?”
“Go into conversations with your friend hoping for resolutions to your problems?”
“Rarely ask how your friend is doing and then pause and simply listen?”
If you answer “yes” to the majority of these questions then you are treating your friend as your therapist. You may feel guilty venting to them at times, but they always reassure you that it’s fine and give you advice or simply listen. You might consider your friend to be just a really good friend who listens to your problems and is by your side no matter what. Yet there is their point of view that can be obscured by your rush of emotions. You may not realize how often you vent to them, how busy they are, or how tired they feel yet they still listen to you.
There are a lot of signs that show your friend is tired of being your therapist friend but does not know how to show it besides trying to set a boundary. If you acknowledge any of your actions to the questions previously mentioned then congratulations, you have completed one method you can do to fix your imbalanced friendship.
“Practice self-awareness.” Be self-aware of how your friend feels when you are venting. It can be difficult when all you want to do is release all the frustration, anger, and stress you feel. Yet while all of these emotions are released from you, they go into your friend. Your friend is being empathetic to your situation and feels what you are feeling. Be aware if they are starting to feel overwhelmed by your negative emotions, take a break and breathe not just for them but for yourself. Distract yourself by asking about them, remember friendship requires both people to talk not just one person.
“Check in with them.” Similarly, consider checking in with your friends, don’t just contact them when you want to vent, but just to see how they feel. If you are contacting them because you want to vent again, ask them if they are free first, know what they are doing, and if they have the time and energy to listen to you.
“Seek professional help.” It can be difficult to admit, especially with the stigma around mental health, but there is a point when you have to admit you need professional help. If you find yourself repeatedly venting to your friend about the same topic over and over again or if you find yourself feeling constantly sad, anxious, or rushing to drastic thoughts and actions; then it is best to seek a professional. You may not realize it or acknowledge it but you may have a mental health illness that your friend is not capable of dealing with. A professional knows how to help and how to react to your drastic actions that your friend cannot. Sometimes seeking a third party is the healthiest option for both you and your friend’s mental health.
If you find yourself in need of wellness support and can relate to this, don't hesitate to schedule a free discovery call. And if you know someone who would benefit from this information, why not share it with them today?
Here is our book-a-call link https://MINDYOURWELLNESS.as.me/newclientcall
Friend not Therapist - Part 1
We all have had situations where a friend needs to vent to you or the time you need to vent to them, but something we do not consider is “Am I being treated as only a therapist for my friend?”
We all have had situations where a friend needs to vent to you or the time you need to vent to them. It is normal to talk to someone close to you when faced with bottled-up emotions and stress, but something we do not consider is “Am I being treated as only a therapist for my friend?”
Friends can unintentionally treat their friends as their therapists, especially those who are “a good listener, nonjudgemental, trustworthy, and empathetic.” Yet there are many reasons why friends are not therapists and should not be for their friends. Sometimes, friends “lack objectivity, neutrality, and professional training.” They can feel drained when their friend does all the talking, not stopping to listen to their friend’s problems, or unintentionally pressures them into coming up with a solution to their problem.
Are you a therapist friend? Ask yourself these questions,
“When you meet with your friend, do you do nearly all the listening?”
“Do you find it difficult to talk about yourself after listening to your friend?”
“Are you often in the position of trying to cheer your friend up or offer advice when they’re depressed?”
“Do you feel drained after conversations with your friend?”
“Do you feel like you have an obligation to make them feel better?”
“Have you been hesitating meeting or texting your friend for any of these reasons?
If the answer to the majority of these questions is “yes” then you would be a therapist friend. Being the therapist friend is mentally and even physically exhausting and at some point, the friendship becomes less of a destresser and more of a stressor. In all honesty, if a friendship reaches this point it cannot be considered a healthy friendship anymore and actions have to be taken to reach a conclusion that would be healthy for both of you. Consider any of these actions…
“Determine what your friend needs.” Do they need someone to listen to while they vent or do they need someone to give them advice? Understanding which is more mentally exhausting to deal with can give you an idea of how much attention or time you need to give, especially considering your own physical and mental health at that time.
“Set boundaries.” Setting boundaries is a way to show your friends they cannot always depend on you. You have your own life and issues to work out. Your life does not rotate around your friend’s life, you cannot always be at their beck and call. You may not always have time to give attention to your friend, and they must understand that.
“Don’t take on your friend’s baggage.” Being empathetic is admirable, but it can be taken advantage of and leave you emotionally exhausted. You have to remember that your friend’s problems are not your own. While your friend might feel better knowing that you feel their anger, it can be exhausting for you to feel this anger and stress when it is not even your problem. This is especially true if it is a recurring conversation, it gets extremely draining to constantly feel a rush of negative emotions about something you are not directly related to.
“Suggest other resources.” If you have reached a point where you feel you don’t know what to do to help anymore or even see that your friend is reaching a breaking point; you have to consider talking to them about their mental health issues and suggest that they seek professional support. They may not understand it at first, but you can reassure them that you do care about them, so much so that you know your capabilities are not enough to help them, but you know of a therapist or support group who can.
“Practice self-care.” As the therapist friend, you constantly give up parts of yourself to your friends. You give up your time, energy, and wisdom. It gets mentally and physically exhausting, therefore you must take time for yourself. Spend time resting and doing something you like. The more energy you have, the better you feel, and the more likely you will be able to help your friends again.
“Consider ending the friendship.” It can be heartbreaking, but sometimes it is best to end the friendship, especially if you see no signs of improvement. A friendship is a two-way relationship, it is not fair if one person is giving everything and getting nothing in return. At some point, you have to realize your relationship is not a friendship, but just free therapy sessions for the other person. The friendship can fade out if you set boundaries, but sometimes it can be more difficult. It can require long conversations and might result in an unsavory ending, but you have to consider what is best for both of your health, presently and in the future.
A friend is not a therapist, while they can be good listeners who always want the best for you, they have their own lives to live. They cannot always be there to listen to your problems and give you advice. A friendship cannot be a relationship where one person only gives and the other only takes, it is an equal relationship that both sides should understand in order to maintain a healthy friendship.
If you find yourself in need of wellness support and can relate to this, don't hesitate to schedule a free discovery call. And if you know someone who would benefit from this information, why not share it with them today?
Here is our book-a-call link https://MINDYOURWELLNESS.as.me/newclientcall